Guilt

He was right in front of me
skin heaped with a natural beauty
His own began and ended with melanin
– black panther –
All the blends of white noticed on his well kept nails ,snow white teeth and sexy ball eyes
His muscles strong even from sight
I wanted to touch, i thought to myself.
Chest and packs carefully contoured into deep cubes
Abs deep enough to act as pockets
My Panda,he would perfectly pocket me with protection
forget Idris Elba, his was freshly refined like a drop from Venus
brighter from the sun’s reflection before earth.

First it was that……

Then he spoke to me,said hi
asked me how i was doing
with a smile of concern
a stare of care
an approach quite rare
he was a complete stranger
i felt important,like i mattered ,to someone
i felt watched, like i counted, for a second
i felt securely in-secured
… i felt beautiful.

That night, you came home,
tired,
i had prepared your favorite
creamed veggie mix,rosemary fried chicken,green peas rice and Cobb salad…you loved it
But only your cold shower and precious sleep was on agenda
never spared even a second to glance twice at my setting
I changed the cutlery set ,did you notice?……….you never missed any details.

I couldn’t skip the sessions again
had done so for the past few days
i was busy re-organizing our home,
went to the salon to get my hair and nails done too
also got a new set of clothes ,i had lost some weight.
Today i wore the dress you bought me after our wedding,
it fit my hour glass figure,
hugged me tenaciously just like it did a year ago…..
did you notice?

…………Forgive me………….

”Today marks the beginning of the happiest phase of being with you
a life of adventure
a life of love that only gets stronger as we get older
and I promise to do my very best to take care of you and us.
3 years ago when we started dating ,i knew you were the one for me and i was
certain i wanted to share my life with you ,because right from the very start,you
showed me love in the greatest ways possible.
Constantly you have taught me that love is work and it takes more than romance
for it to last
I know we will fight, we will argue, we will even hate each other sometimes but
today is a promise that we will find our way back to love again.
I will get you furious at other times, i will never be perfect but trust is what drove
us to this bold step and journey so trust me when i say i will give my all to make it
work.
Before today,i was skeptical ,i was afraid of all that could go wrong in our union
but each time you held my hand ,looked right through my eyes and kissed
forehead, i felt at peace for there was an unsaid promise in that simple act and glance.
As I stand before God, family and friends, I vow to honor and to love you for as
long as we both shall live and as this marks the beginning of our life together,i
promise never to loose hope,never to give up
but above all ,
I promise………………….”.
Second time it happened again,

He approached with his graceful self ,being so magnetic and unavoidable.
Then the third ,fourth,fifth, twentieth…..three hundredth
i lost count.
He was no longer a stranger
He became my friend, my best friend
but it was beyond that, he thought i was phenomenal , i was a gem and deserved the best.

Compliments were my cup of coffee
a good creamy caramel latte
smiles were real only but at his presence
I looked forward to seeing him everyday
he light up my days like the drop of Venus he was.
My life became two-faced /phased
Light and darkness
real and pretense
My marriage was slowly dying and i only held half of its heart, limited power i had to save it.
irreversible darkness was taking over..

He on the other hand was both ,
a rare light covered in natural darkness of melanin that literally bleached right through me
strong as acid on my skin,
a torture beautiful, like a butterfly tattoo
pain i didn’t mind ,adrenaline rush
I had my own heaven right here on earth only better because it was Venus
   my black panther
   a packed Santa to me
   a forbidden hunter.

I miss you..
I long for you..
Every sun set meant i had once again failed to save my marriage
Failed to rejuvenate and revive the love and adventure
I strive to take care of you but every minute proved it harder.
I cant remember the last time you touched me with love
the last time you kissed me with passion
the last time you complimented on me
the last time you noticed anything.
You’ve made me feel empty, forgotten
..No one told me this much ,that it will happen this soon.
I miss you.

Heart was pounding so fast, couldn’t count its beats
outer and inner skin was raging with hunger
breathe simultaneously loud it turned into a mourn
kiss so soft and passionate as it started right from my lips to my neck, downwards to my hips and forth like an artist carefully exploring his new piece with a brush
touching each part of it to ensure he gets it right
body was drooling with thirst
a shiver only understood by a dog wagging its tail
it was slow and fast ,just the right pace
a different kind of healing
fair amount of testosterone was released ,enough to give me such libido
it was selfish, a perfect selfish satisfaction
direction all around ,but good aiming right in 
where i wanted and needed it
one moment of complete satisfaction, completion ,
a sinful content
genuine-forbidden-submission
….he made love to me….

                                                                       ………………to be faithful”. These were my vows.

As we became one on our wedding day
we owned a shared heart
you were one half and i the other
i tried , i did, perhaps not enough
but the heart can only function as a whole
you let it die.
I’m not even allowed to blame ,I’m supposed to hold on strong
virtuous woman, proverbs 31 ,one praised by society and her man
a woman who puts her home together and keeps her roof intact for stormy weather,
I failed.
when i vowed i was ready for anything and everything just not to be the cheat, not the unhappy wife and certainly not the sexually starving woman,
you were the first i gave myself to, it was beautiful and it was to stay that way…..but it didn’t.
i lifted you before you hit the ground, you let me bruise myself
you love was no longer visible .

…..forgive me…..
i love you forever and always
Guilt eats my conscious
i cant lie, i loved it when he touched me
but I’m guilty, ashamed yet satisfied.
I was blinded by passion , care, concern, lust and appreciation…someone saw my beauty and did right to it
i was wrong for letting another have a serve of what is rightfully yours
i just wish you had taken it upon your responsibility to make our marriage your obligation.
you cared more about your work more than you did me,
you touched your pen and keyboard more than you did me
you listened to the stock exchange news more than you did me
you made sure you made it to the airport on time but never your home
you cared about your deadlines more than you did us
you arrived, stopped chasing …

you were wrong too,but i am worse

i forgive you.

Guilt eats my conscious ,

i hope you find it in your heart to forgive me , i still love you.